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#THREE - I never breathe.

About #THREE

Previous Entry #THREE Nov. 14th, 2005 @ 12:19 pm Next Entry
Last night, I dreamt about an old girlfriend, Mara. Before I go on, let me explain our relationship.

Back then, I was going through many personal problems. I was moving out of one relationship and into another, and on top of that, I was beginning to abuse different substances to cope with losing the relationship before Mara. Not that it excuses any of it, but as a result, I never treated her like she deserved to be treated. When we inevitably failed as a couple, I didn't make it any easier, either, and we wound up not even being able to carry on a friendship.

However, last night, she was in my dream, but not only that. When I saw her, it was like I was looking at an entirely different person. All of those horrible feelings I had stored up toward her from before were non-existent, and as I touched her face and felt the soft texture of her cheek, I suddenly felt a thousand apologies pouring out of my mouth. She went on doing what she was doing - I believe she was cutting my hair, but I can't remember exactly - and tried her best to ignore everything I was saying, refusing to look into eyes that had lied to her so many times in the past.

That didn't last long.

Before long, we kissed - and we kissed a lot, like we hadn't ever kissed. A vast mountain of feelings I had never felt for her tumbled on to us, and for however long it was, I saw how we could have been. When we pulled apart and I began wiping all the lipstick stains off of my face and lips - that were practically coated in pink - I looked into her eyes and saw everything I had done wrong with her.

I awoke and felt sad. It wasn't that I regretted not being with her or anything because I'm perfectly happy where I am, as I've made abundantly clear, but I guess in those few moments following slumber, I wished I could have saved Mara all the trouble I had put her through. In my dream, I saw her bathed in all the beauty I refused to see before and wanted to go back and change us.

This represents a very common occurrence in my life. I have a very hard time with leaving anything unfinished, and in addition, I can't stand feeling I've left a window of negativity open between myself and anyone else. It picks at me and picks at me, and no matter what, it always seems to pop back up in some way, shape, or form, which this dream would be a perfect example of.

Of course, I can't very well turn back time, but perhaps, there are other ways of fixing this.

As a footnote, sorry about the lack of commenting thus far. I had a busy day yesterday. Life can be so hectic sometimes.
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
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From:__deadstars
Date:November 14th, 2005 08:27 pm (UTC)
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What do you think your dream signifies?
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From:silentdesire10
Date:November 14th, 2005 10:10 pm (UTC)
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It could symbolize how much I misconstrued back then and how I'm now coming to terms with all of it. She was a pretty significant part of that time period, and I believe because of the way I was handling things - by not handling them at all - I overlooked a very unique and amazing girl. As I've come along and examined old steps I've taken, I see where I went wrong and what I could do to keep from mistakingly traveling down any more hurtful paths.

I'm glad you inspired me to create this journal. If you compare it to my other blog, I think it helps make everything clearer. Also, it feels good to just let go, if you know what I mean.
From:__deadstars
Date:November 15th, 2005 02:16 am (UTC)
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Yeah, I see what you're saying. Also, if she was cutting your hair, that might symbolize something. You might want to try www.dreammoods.com. =]

Hey, thank you for joining me! It really has been so much easier to write here than in my other journal.

It's you & me 'till the end, Ankh!
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From:silentdesire10
Date:November 15th, 2005 02:53 am (UTC)
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Very good idea! I'll check that website out immediately.

Yeah, I never knew LiveJournal could be so interesting, and I've been all around the blog neighborhood, let me tell you.

Til the end, I couldn't think of anyone better to be here with, Mortelle.

From:__deadstars
Date:November 15th, 2005 09:56 pm (UTC)
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Sounds great! It really is an excellent website.

I know, this experience really has gotten interesting. :)

*smiles*
Thanks, Ankh. Same to you. ;)
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From:silentdesire10
Date:November 15th, 2005 03:21 am (UTC)
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Interesting. Here's what I found:

Cutting

To dream that you are cutting something, signifies a broken relationship or severed connection.

---

Hair

To dream that you are cutting your hair, suggests that you are experiencing a loss in strength. You may feel that someone is trying to censor you. Alternatively, you may be reshaping your thinking or ambitions and eliminating unwanted thoughts/habits.

To dream that you are combing, stroking or styling your hair, suggests that you are taking on and evaluating a new idea, concept, outlook, or way of thinking. You may be putting your thoughts in order and getting your facts straight. A more literal interpretation suggests your concerns about your self-image and appearance.

---

All of that seems to fit together perfectly with what I thought it meant, and now that I read that, I believe she was cutting my hair so she could style it, which was something she did a lot on herself for as long as I knew her.

As for the loss of power portion, that would have aligned well with yesterday, since I felt very powerless and alone before I finally fell asleep. What happened was I slept away the afternoon and evening, waking up when it was completely dark out - for some reason, that set me off badly and I began to crumble.

I try my best not to do that because it's the first step toward hating myself, which I refuse to do anymore, but sometimes, when you're all by yourself, it's just so easy to focus on that one fact - being alone.
From:3_steps_later
Date:November 14th, 2005 11:21 pm (UTC)
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you could always write her, just to say sorry and tell her that you know she was worth more than how you treated her. i've found that's therapeutic -- and you don't even need to send it. in my case, i've burned A LOT of bridges, so when it's time for me to acknlowledge my mistakes out loud, there's not a whole lot of people left who want to hear it. so, i just write the letter and feel all the bad feelings being sucked into the words.
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From:silentdesire10
Date:November 14th, 2005 11:58 pm (UTC)
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That's a good idea, and I'd actually consider doing it. If I did, however, I'd have to send it, but I would tell her that I'm not looking for a reply or trying to insert myself back into her life.
From:vivaciousnesss
Date:November 15th, 2005 12:33 am (UTC)
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you're a good writer, you explain things and make them eary to understand. I wish I could explain my feelings and well anything as good as you do. When I read your posts I almost feel like I'm reading a good book.
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From:silentdesire10
Date:November 15th, 2005 12:50 am (UTC)
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That's really very flattering, since I would love to be a writer someday.

I actually take forever to write one post. I piece it together, sentence by sentence, and then go over it one last time to make sure all the words sound okay where they are. I'm so compulsive about it at times that I've actually deleted entire entries, just because I felt they didn't represent the feeling I was trying to convey. It's so irritating, sometimes.

Hrm, do you have AIM?
From:vivaciousnesss
Date:November 15th, 2005 06:31 am (UTC)
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ya my aim is: llufituaeb
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From:silentdesire10
Date:November 23rd, 2005 12:39 pm (UTC)
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I will certainly add you.

My screen name is "silent desire 10," in case you want to know.
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