Tonight, as I held her against my chest in bed, just feeling one another, I started crying. I wasn't sure exactly why I was crying, but it was as if at that very moment, all of the times we had shared came pouring in. The good, the bad, and the ugly all bubbled up along my eyes, ready to stream downwards on to my lovely Sabrina. In all my years on this planet, I had never experienced a wave of emotion so intense, so complete. I half-expected her to pick up on it, even though I didn't say a word and hid my tears away from her.
Nevertheless, the entire time we held one another in bed, all I wanted to do was break down in her arms. I wanted to tell her that regardless of anything I've put her through, I love and will always love her in a very special way that can never be duplicated, nor challenged. Granted, it is my belief that each and every one of my relationships is unlike all the rest, but in those timeless moments, that belief was nowhere to be seen. I simply couldn't compare anyone else to Sabi, who looked so very vulnerable, yet secure in my arms. Furthermore, I was unable to apply the term "love" properly because in my experiences with love, not once had it resembled anything like this.
There's a word for the highest form of love, which I'd search for, but I doubt that would do it any justice, either. The best way I can describe it is as dreaming of, finding, loving, and losing the last person you ever want to see hurt, all at the same time. How I managed to conceal my shaky voice and teary eyes in the car, afterward, I'll never know, nor understand.
I wish I had said more. I should have shared more.
Guilt washes in, and it's like I'm trying to flaw an otherwise flawless night.