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#FIVE - I never breathe.

About #FIVE

Previous Entry #FIVE Dec. 11th, 2005 @ 01:37 am
It feels like I've lived nearly ten thousand lives since the last time I updated this journal. Has it been that long?

There's a lot I need to say, but I don't know how well it'll flow on to this screen. I suppose we will soon see.

Sabrina and I are in a weird place. I think about it, but I can barely grasp the best words to describe it - this is what they call chaos, I guess.

Her birthday came and went far smoother than I ever expected - her father, who was in town and who I met for the first time that evening, was nowhere close to the hardass I had him labeled as. Driving home that night, for all sixty of those minutes, I felt as if everything was finally exactly as it should be. Not to mention, when my head hit the pillow that night, my dreams erected a perfect monument in honor of our relationship transcending into the realm of bliss in the form of the most soothing and rejuvenating images I've ever seen.

Those images coated the back of my mind for several days afterward, too. However, before long, my mind began imploding on itself - why it did, I still don't know. All I DO know is that this past Monday, I found myself in a terrible rut if I ever did know one. Anything and everything I could use to beat the living hell out of myself, I did. When the beating was over - or maybe I just got tired and couldn't think of anything else to use against myself - I no longer had the infinite optimism for anything, including my relationship with Sabi.

I'm wearing a mood ring right now. It says I'm relaxed, but around the edges, green is starting to peek through - green represents mixed emotions. I'd say that's about accurate, but the only reason relaxation if prevailing right now is because I popped a few painkillers. I know this isn't the way I should be dealing with this torment I feel inside, but I also know that once in awhile, it feels good to just get away from myself and take a brief mental vacation.

I'd send you all postcards if I could - I'd even write each of you a pretty bit of prose, just to show how much I appreciate your patience with all of this...whatever it is. I know I'm sporadic - I've been this way since before I can remember - and I wish I could present you with something more...positive to read.

However, this is me - this is all I have.

Sabrina thinks I've been avoiding her. Furthermore, although I've attempted explaining my situation to her, she refuses to believe that this is anything other than her fault. I've told her time and time again that she is quite possibly - no, definitely - the most magical, wonderful addition to my life throughout all twenty-one years of it. I constantly remind her that without her, I most likely - no, absolutely - wouldn't be alive today. If she had never stepped into my world, I'd have let it all fall apart long ago.

Kind of like it's doing now.

Maybe some people are simply meant to meet the devil, no matter how many angels they surround themselves with.
Current Mood: calmPercocet-induced calm
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Date:December 24th, 2005 04:31 pm (UTC)
I agree with your last statement. Josh now has this church thing going on in his head. He belives it is time for him to calm down and live right. He wants me to do it with him. I know it is the right thing to do,(of course). But I just don't feel ready. I am still fighting some demons of my past and there are quite a few skeltons in my closet that I am not ready to set free.

Life IS chaos. that is something we have to learn to live with.

Have faith, in yourself, that it will all be ok in the end.
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Date:December 30th, 2005 07:17 am (UTC)
I just now read this comment, and it couldn't be anymore fitting for my current situation. See, the reason I haven't seen this until now is because I've been taking some time away from everything to...develop myself, I guess you could say. Last week, I felt like I was starting to scrape the bottom of my worst rut, and from there, there's really only two choices: fix yourself or die. When given those choices, it's not difficult to see what the right thing to do is, but when you start to think about it...yeah, I agree with you completely - part of me just didn't feel ready.

As well, yes, life is most definitely chaos.

I'll do my best to maintain faith in myself - I hope you're able to do the same and are doing well.
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Date:December 31st, 2005 04:29 pm (UTC)
HEy your birthday is tomorrow!!!

happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday dear Ankh
Happy birthday to you

I really hope it is a happy one!!
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