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#FOUR - I never breathe.

About #FOUR

Previous Entry #FOUR Nov. 23rd, 2005 @ 05:30 am Next Entry
It is half past five in the morning, and I am awake already. This has to be a sin.

Yesterday evening, I had a number of errands to run. First, I had to deliver money I had borrowed to a friend of mine. Arriving at his apartment, I was quite annoyed to find that he wasn't available. Still, I knew I had to take care of this debt before the night was over, so I decided to kill some time at a local mall. However, when I pulled into the parking lot, I was disappointed to find that one of my favorite stores had been shut down. Furthermore, there was nothing else in the area that interested me, which left me with nothing to do but wander around a grocery store and eat pastry samples from the bakery.

It was almost enough to send my excitement meter into the heavens.

That would be sarcasm, if it wasn't obvious.

When I had wasted a decent amount of time, I returned to my friend's apartment. Knocking on his door, I discovered that he STILL wasn't around. Not wanting to wake his niece and nephew, I decided to wait out in my car, and on the way, a man in a red and gray beanie cap said hello to me. Not feeling so cheerful, I ignored him and proceeded to my car, where I sat for awhile longer, before finally returning to the apartment area.

Walking toward me from his apartment was my friend - and imagine my surprise when I realized that he was the same fellow who greeted me, but who I ignored. Somehow, I failed to recognize him in his beanie, which left me feeling pretty embarrassed. I handed him his cash, participated in a brief update of one another's lives, and went about my way.

On the drive across town that followed, I lined up everything I had to do in my mind. Next, I had to visit my mother at work. Sabrina's birthday was coming up, which meant I had to collect my mother's signature on a birthday card I designed especially for her. The three of us weren't the closest - not the two of us and my mother, at least - but I knew my mother admired her. It was my belief that she saw pieces of herself in Sabi, as a matter of fact - but that deviates from the subject.

Soon, I drove out of the department store's parking lot, having already met my mother there and gotten her to sign the card for Sabi. Feeling a little worn down, but determined to accomplish everything in mind, I headed over to a nearby bookstore, where I bought a book I knew Sabi would adore. Next door to the bookstore, I entered the video store, where I purchased a film to go along with the book, which I was also certain she would enjoy. By all means, I should have been proud of myself, having paired her presents together in a more personal manner, rather than just buying her a season or two of one of her favorite television programs, like I had originally planned.

However, staring at her gifts in the car, I wasn't satisfied. Removing a slip of paper from my notebook, I began writing her a letter that expressed how much I treasured the day she was born. I explained that it was a day that provided not only me, but the world with someone whose innocent perception of life would constantly remind all who had the pleasure of knowing her that throughout all the evil everywhere, there remained instances of pure beauty. To the world, she was a gem - to me, she was so much more.

When I was through, I thought I'd feel better, but I didn't. Not even the purchase of an enormous bag of candy, which I later sprinkled over her gift bag and slipped in between its colorful tissue paper, was enough to alleviate the lack of satisfaction. Becoming more and more agitated, I searched for a solution to my dilemma - there was none.

All the pretty words and expensive gifts and carefully planned surprises seemed cheap. They seemed subpar, when it came to depicting my appreciation for her luminous presence in my world. A peaceful haze fell over me, as I accepted that no matter what I might shower her with on her birthday, it was impossible to overcome the feeling of inadequacy. If it WAS possible to overcome it, that would only mean she was equal to X amount of items, which wasn't an equation that made sense to me or my heart. To me, she was worth far more than I could ever show her in a present or ten or twenty. She was...

I then stopped myself. I gazed blankly out the window. So long, it had been since I had last known love this intense. Since then, I had vowed never to travel down this road again, and in all honesty, I never planned on taking my love for her as far as it had gone. Nausea swept over me, as I kicked the car door open and vomited on the ground below.

Yes, you read that right. I was so overwhelmed with everything at that moment that I threw up all over the asphalt. It was truly a moment to remember, too - and that was, once again, sarcasm, for any who missed it.

Now, I'm here. Now, it's tomorrow. Now, I'm left wondering if I'm making the right decision, opening up to Sabrina like I did to...Cecilia.

Now, my head's all out of sorts. Now...I don't know what to think anymore.

Who is Cecilia? I'll elaborate on that in time.

What will I do? I can't answer that.

Her birthday is in a week. By then, I'll have my head back on my side - I hope.

It's 6:23 a.m. This hour of writing has felt like a minute at most.

As a footnote, if I go for days without an update, commenting, or any sign of life, then consider it nothing out of the ordinary. As we all know, it's easy to find ourselves consumed with life or to sit down to write and find we have nothing to say - I do it all the time. If that is a problem, then in advance, I am sorry, but there is nothing I can do to prevent it from happening if such a situation arises. I hope you can all understand and take my word that I will maintain this journal to the best of my ability - and I won't forget about all who have been kind enough to welcome me into their lives through their journals.
Current Mood: confusedconfused
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From:__deadstars
Date:November 23rd, 2005 11:41 pm (UTC)
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I found this whole entry really intersting. I really don't know what to say exactly... just to wish you the best with your feelings and, well, everything else.

It's honestly incredible the love you have for Sabrina.

And you're going to have to elaborate on Cecilia sooner or later. *smile*

Love,
Mortelle.
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From:silentdesire10
Date:November 24th, 2005 09:59 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! I'm glad the love transfers so well.

Heh, I actually DID write an entry about her yesterday, but I didn't like the way it turned out. I was tired and went off on a tangent that just wasn't relevant to the story about her - and I thought she deserved a little more.

Cheers,
Ankh
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From:brittbabyjk
Date:November 25th, 2005 12:55 am (UTC)
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OMG! I love to read your journal entrys, I get absolutly swept into your world, like AI am right there watching everything happen exactly as u write it. like I am a part of it all.

I think u should right a love story. a novel. It would be so incredible. and u could make it about u and sabrinia and ur lives together. mix so fact with fiction. I would most deffinitly have to read it!!!

and i want to know more about Cecilia
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From:silentdesire10
Date:November 29th, 2005 06:55 pm (UTC)
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That really means a lot to me. Thank you very much.

Also, very good idea. I will definitely consider doing that.

You will hear more about her soon.

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