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#FIVE Dec. 11th, 2005 @ 01:37 am
It feels like I've lived nearly ten thousand lives since the last time I updated this journal. Has it been that long?

There's a lot I need to say, but I don't know how well it'll flow on to this screen. I suppose we will soon see.

Sabrina and I are in a weird place. I think about it, but I can barely grasp the best words to describe it - this is what they call chaos, I guess.

Her birthday came and went far smoother than I ever expected - her father, who was in town and who I met for the first time that evening, was nowhere close to the hardass I had him labeled as. Driving home that night, for all sixty of those minutes, I felt as if everything was finally exactly as it should be. Not to mention, when my head hit the pillow that night, my dreams erected a perfect monument in honor of our relationship transcending into the realm of bliss in the form of the most soothing and rejuvenating images I've ever seen.

Those images coated the back of my mind for several days afterward, too. However, before long, my mind began imploding on itself - why it did, I still don't know. All I DO know is that this past Monday, I found myself in a terrible rut if I ever did know one. Anything and everything I could use to beat the living hell out of myself, I did. When the beating was over - or maybe I just got tired and couldn't think of anything else to use against myself - I no longer had the infinite optimism for anything, including my relationship with Sabi.

I'm wearing a mood ring right now. It says I'm relaxed, but around the edges, green is starting to peek through - green represents mixed emotions. I'd say that's about accurate, but the only reason relaxation if prevailing right now is because I popped a few painkillers. I know this isn't the way I should be dealing with this torment I feel inside, but I also know that once in awhile, it feels good to just get away from myself and take a brief mental vacation.

I'd send you all postcards if I could - I'd even write each of you a pretty bit of prose, just to show how much I appreciate your patience with all of this...whatever it is. I know I'm sporadic - I've been this way since before I can remember - and I wish I could present you with something more...positive to read.

However, this is me - this is all I have.

Sabrina thinks I've been avoiding her. Furthermore, although I've attempted explaining my situation to her, she refuses to believe that this is anything other than her fault. I've told her time and time again that she is quite possibly - no, definitely - the most magical, wonderful addition to my life throughout all twenty-one years of it. I constantly remind her that without her, I most likely - no, absolutely - wouldn't be alive today. If she had never stepped into my world, I'd have let it all fall apart long ago.

Kind of like it's doing now.

Maybe some people are simply meant to meet the devil, no matter how many angels they surround themselves with.
Current Mood: calmPercocet-induced calm

#FOUR Nov. 23rd, 2005 @ 05:30 am
It is half past five in the morning, and I am awake already. This has to be a sin.

Yesterday evening, I had a number of errands to run. First, I had to deliver money I had borrowed to a friend of mine. Arriving at his apartment, I was quite annoyed to find that he wasn't available. Still, I knew I had to take care of this debt before the night was over, so I decided to kill some time at a local mall. However, when I pulled into the parking lot, I was disappointed to find that one of my favorite stores had been shut down. Furthermore, there was nothing else in the area that interested me, which left me with nothing to do but wander around a grocery store and eat pastry samples from the bakery.

It was almost enough to send my excitement meter into the heavens.

That would be sarcasm, if it wasn't obvious.

When I had wasted a decent amount of time, I returned to my friend's apartment. Knocking on his door, I discovered that he STILL wasn't around. Not wanting to wake his niece and nephew, I decided to wait out in my car, and on the way, a man in a red and gray beanie cap said hello to me. Not feeling so cheerful, I ignored him and proceeded to my car, where I sat for awhile longer, before finally returning to the apartment area.

Walking toward me from his apartment was my friend - and imagine my surprise when I realized that he was the same fellow who greeted me, but who I ignored. Somehow, I failed to recognize him in his beanie, which left me feeling pretty embarrassed. I handed him his cash, participated in a brief update of one another's lives, and went about my way.

Why Am I Back Here?Collapse )

Now, I'm here. Now, it's tomorrow. Now, I'm left wondering if I'm making the right decision, opening up to Sabrina like I did to...Cecilia.

Now, my head's all out of sorts. Now...I don't know what to think anymore.

Who is Cecilia? I'll elaborate on that in time.

What will I do? I can't answer that.

Her birthday is in a week. By then, I'll have my head back on my side - I hope.

It's 6:23 a.m. This hour of writing has felt like a minute at most.

As a footnote, if I go for days without an update, commenting, or any sign of life, then consider it nothing out of the ordinary. As we all know, it's easy to find ourselves consumed with life or to sit down to write and find we have nothing to say - I do it all the time. If that is a problem, then in advance, I am sorry, but there is nothing I can do to prevent it from happening if such a situation arises. I hope you can all understand and take my word that I will maintain this journal to the best of my ability - and I won't forget about all who have been kind enough to welcome me into their lives through their journals.
Current Mood: confusedconfused

#THREE Nov. 14th, 2005 @ 12:19 pm
Last night, I dreamt about an old girlfriend, Mara. Before I go on, let me explain our relationship.

Back then, I was going through many personal problems. I was moving out of one relationship and into another, and on top of that, I was beginning to abuse different substances to cope with losing the relationship before Mara. Not that it excuses any of it, but as a result, I never treated her like she deserved to be treated. When we inevitably failed as a couple, I didn't make it any easier, either, and we wound up not even being able to carry on a friendship.

However, last night, she was in my dream, but not only that. When I saw her, it was like I was looking at an entirely different person. All of those horrible feelings I had stored up toward her from before were non-existent, and as I touched her face and felt the soft texture of her cheek, I suddenly felt a thousand apologies pouring out of my mouth. She went on doing what she was doing - I believe she was cutting my hair, but I can't remember exactly - and tried her best to ignore everything I was saying, refusing to look into eyes that had lied to her so many times in the past.

That didn't last long.

Before long, we kissed - and we kissed a lot, like we hadn't ever kissed. A vast mountain of feelings I had never felt for her tumbled on to us, and for however long it was, I saw how we could have been. When we pulled apart and I began wiping all the lipstick stains off of my face and lips - that were practically coated in pink - I looked into her eyes and saw everything I had done wrong with her.

I awoke and felt sad. It wasn't that I regretted not being with her or anything because I'm perfectly happy where I am, as I've made abundantly clear, but I guess in those few moments following slumber, I wished I could have saved Mara all the trouble I had put her through. In my dream, I saw her bathed in all the beauty I refused to see before and wanted to go back and change us.

This represents a very common occurrence in my life. I have a very hard time with leaving anything unfinished, and in addition, I can't stand feeling I've left a window of negativity open between myself and anyone else. It picks at me and picks at me, and no matter what, it always seems to pop back up in some way, shape, or form, which this dream would be a perfect example of.

Of course, I can't very well turn back time, but perhaps, there are other ways of fixing this.

As a footnote, sorry about the lack of commenting thus far. I had a busy day yesterday. Life can be so hectic sometimes.
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful

#TWO Nov. 13th, 2005 @ 12:52 am
Tonight, as I held her against my chest in bed, just feeling one another, I started crying. I wasn't sure exactly why I was crying, but it was as if at that very moment, all of the times we had shared came pouring in. The good, the bad, and the ugly all bubbled up along my eyes, ready to stream downwards on to my lovely Sabrina. In all my years on this planet, I had never experienced a wave of emotion so intense, so complete. I half-expected her to pick up on it, even though I didn't say a word and hid my tears away from her.

Nevertheless, the entire time we held one another in bed, all I wanted to do was break down in her arms. I wanted to tell her that regardless of anything I've put her through, I love and will always love her in a very special way that can never be duplicated, nor challenged. Granted, it is my belief that each and every one of my relationships is unlike all the rest, but in those timeless moments, that belief was nowhere to be seen. I simply couldn't compare anyone else to Sabi, who looked so very vulnerable, yet secure in my arms. Furthermore, I was unable to apply the term "love" properly because in my experiences with love, not once had it resembled anything like this.

There's a word for the highest form of love, which I'd search for, but I doubt that would do it any justice, either. The best way I can describe it is as dreaming of, finding, loving, and losing the last person you ever want to see hurt, all at the same time. How I managed to conceal my shaky voice and teary eyes in the car, afterward, I'll never know, nor understand.

I wish I had said more. I should have shared more.

Guilt washes in, and it's like I'm trying to flaw an otherwise flawless night.
Current Mood: guiltyguilty

#ONE Nov. 12th, 2005 @ 03:15 am
My first night here at LiveJournal is a night identical to so many others. Like every Friday, I spent the better part of the day with Sabrina - not to mention, we made sweet, sweet love twice, amongst other...acts.

I'm sure you didn't want to read that. I'm sorry.

No, I'm not really, but I thought you might like me to be.

Sabi and I also went out for breakfast....at a Chinese food restaurant. First time I've ever done that, and it definitely won't be the last time. So freaking good....you can't even imagine how much I loved it.

I sound like a glutton. Maybe I am. I have been prone to overindulging on just about anything I come to enjoy. It's like I can't get enough of it or them, until finally, I'm fiending like a crack addict and doing everything in my power to find my way back to.....whatever or whoever it/they might be.

I'm so lost sometimes. I feel like I'm all alone, even when I know Sabi is just a phone call away. It's like I've had too much of her, and now, everything seriously sucks like never before when she's not around.

Then I snap out of it. Then I remember that I've always been this way. Then I start to break away.

Then she clings to me. Then I laugh uncomfortably. Then we work our way through the dilemma, until the end of the week pops up.

Then we lose ourselves in one another and everything's perfect all over again.

I'm thankful I have a relationship with someone that I know will last. At times, it seems like it might just fail, but then a second later, I recall how far we've come and how very little the problem we are then butting heads over truly is - compared to problems that have broken us both down to nothing, only for us to build a brand new state of happiness out of our collective emptiness.

I guess we're meant to be - whatever that means. I don't believe in fate and I sure as anything don't believe in destiny - but if I did, I'd be spitting those words out on to this page right now because she's the closest thing to either of those for me, a jaded, sometimes entirely emotionally vacant tyrant.

If she can do this to me, then there must be hope yet for me to come around all the way and find what I often think I am not meant to find: happiness, peace of mind, ultimate stability, completion in the form of us.

I'm beaming now. It's too bright. I'm going back to the shadows - but this won't be the last of everything.
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
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